The Transitioning Begins..

This update is most likely long over due. I think I might have been waiting around for something to happen. I can't believe it's been a full month since I wrote last. At least things are beginning to happen now.

I had some more unfortunate luck at the dentist. I went in to get my new permanent crown as scheduled, but found out pretty quickly that there had been a mistake with the billing. They had quoted me a thousand dollars for the two crowns, but I didn't know that that had been after they put it through the insurance. Consequently, we had no more dental insurance left, between Dave and I both completely maxed it out. It cost me two thousand dollars before my crowns were paid in full. I suppose I should be relieved that it was a budget issue and not another pain situation, but it still stung a little. I'm grateful to report that I have no more pain shooting through my mouth now. Thank Goodness. I was honestly starting to worry that I'd never feel normal again.

I've deduced that it's the ancient mattress on our borrowed bed here that's completely terrorizing my back. It hurt so badly at one point, that I finally broke down and went with mom to her chiropractor. My entire left hip was swollen, and one of my legs were shorter than the other.. It was a mess. I was encouraged to stop sleeping on my stomach, and he must not be all wrong, because every time I accidently wake up on my stomach, my back is screaming. I can't replace the mattress on a bed that isn't mine, and I can't seem to control how I sleep, so for the time being.. I'm just trying to do as little damage as possible. I even drove to the storage trailer with all our things, and dug out my old computer chair. It has a lot more cushion than the veritable plank of wood I sat on for over a year anyway. Hopefully it helps a little bit.

We had another monumental milestone this month. Dave has officially graduated from his third and final branch of therapy. No more speech appointments. Elaine encouraged Dave to continue on with his at-home exercises as per normal, but that lasted all of a week before he decided it didn't really matter one way or the other, and he stopped doing them. I knew he would. He still wears his mouthpiece when we leave the house, but it looks like the only thing likely to change his speech now.. will be time.

Dave is getting more and more back to normal in many ways with every day that passes. He's taken over control of my car, and I rarely ever get to drive anymore. He always was a steering wheel hog, lol. I have to force him to let me drive once a week, just so I don't forget how. He wants his own car, but we're a long way from that place. Right now, we don't go anywhere that's not together anyway, so it just doesn't make financial sense right now. Sense isn't always Dave's number one criteria when wanting something anymore though. Now that the busy holiday season is fully behind us, we're back in the gym for another three months of grueling work outs and weight routines. Dave's thrilled, of course, but I'm less than enthusiastic about sweating myself silly with little to no results to show for it. I'll be there right by his side like always though. I know it's where he needs to be.

The first week of February was a big week for Dave and I. On the 16th I celebrated my thirty-first birthday, as well as Dave and my ninth wedding anniversary. Dave took me out for a lovely dinner at Ruth's Chris, a steakhouse he'd only been wanting to go to for years. It was amazing. It was definitely a "special occasion" kind of place, and not somewhere we could go to often, but it was a wonderful experience. He bought me a cute little bracelet for our anniversary. And we bought him a comedy CD of one of his favorite comics that he'd been wanting; Russel Peters, Red, White and Brown. Hilarious, lol. The following afternoon was family celebration day. Mom treated her and I to manicures and pedicures for my birthday.. and for our anniversary, the folks, and Dave and I all went out for an amazing lunch at a Chinese buffet place in the city. Because it was my birthday, the manager of the restaurant let me feed his beautiful koi fish that I had fallen in love with at first site. And because I was cute, (and because he said I was twelve), I got an extra handful of pellets. It sounds silly, but it completely made my day. At least the girls at the nail salon all guessed me to be turning twenty, instead of twelve. I suppose I should be pleased that I misplaced a decade somewhere. I won't complain.

About a month ago we started going to our church's evening services on Sundays. Dave and I seem to be perpetually stuck onto being night people, after more than a decade of practice. Not even a coma, and a life changing tragedy can break us of old habits. Eight in the morning on Sunday just proved more than we could manage. We never slept Saturday night trying to go to bed early, so we were always cranky. Sunday night services just seems to be the best of both worlds, we get to go to church, and listen to the weekly message, we get to sing amazing hymns and see amazing people.. without the downside of no sleep, and getting up uncharacteristically, impossibly early. We love it. My only regret is that I don't get to see my stepfather, Steve, every Sunday now. I guess it will just force him to call us up and see us in other ways. At least, I hope that's how it'll go anyway. Since I know he's reading.. *hint, hint -- nudge nudge* lol.

Our dear lawyer called a couple weeks ago and ripped off the same old scabs on my perpetually raw internal wounds. He's trying to finish up details on a the sizeably small side case that is my emotional suffering of, as he says.. being just as much in that car as Dave was. I heard the scream, the impact, the windows shatter. I can still recall the sound of metal crunching when the jaws of life ripped our car apart. I can still hear the haunting voices of the EMTs trying to revive a comatose man.. my everything, and the lifeline landing nearby to pick him up and take him.. where? I didn't know. I still remember how hollow I felt when the doctors and the police wouldn't tell me anything about his injuries until I arrived three hours later. I still remember how long that hallway looked walking through the ICU, and wondering what I'd see when I turned the corner into his room. I freshly remember the raw feeling of fear, the overwhelming looming bleakness devoid of any hope, and how long the weeks felt as I waited and wondered if he'd ever wake up again. And even if he did, who would he be? I still feel remnants of the stress of making decisions when I didn't know the right answers, and couldn't expend the effort to care about anything other than sitting beside that hospital bed and not moving from Dave's side. I lived through the agonizing weeks of trying to keep him out of nursing homes and search for someone, ANYone interested in giving him a chance in rehabilitation therapy. I forced a level head day after day of lost memories, false memories, imaginary objects, and falls.. helping him eat, helping him shower, helping him walk, and making him talk when all he wanted to do was lie there; When all I wanted to do was lie there. There could never be a monetary amount that could lift the weight I'm under from seventeen months of real struggle, and the few thousand they (MIGHT) toss my way to "compensate" me for it actually feels insulting.. but I'm not worried about it. With or without it.. my compensation is a husband that remembers who I am, and loves me even more than he did before.. and a kind of strength of self that I would have never guessed I was even capable of, once upon a time. With or without it, we'll just keep living for as long as God allows it. The one thing that does surprise me.. is how quickly my eyes can still fill with tears from answering questions about what I heard and how I felt that first night, when my world inexplicably changed forever. I anxiously await the day when Charlie is finally finished asking me his questions.

The last month or so.. Dave has begun to get antsy. He's ready to reclaim a bit more of the independence he's lost, and he wants a place to call his own again. Unfortunately, his current theory is just to complain about not having it, instead of actually physcially doing anything about it. I've been frozen into inaction myself by the very real fear of making a mistake, so I contented myself by doing nothing as well. Doing nothing only gets you nowhere. To my credit, it's been a complicated situation. My lawyer, and Dave's trustee gave me one set of advice. My husband, mother, aunt-in-law and half my family gave me the direct opposite advice, and here I am, dead center in the middle of the battlefield, and left with the responsibility of making the call.

Charlie and Karen thought it would be smartest to rent an apartment for a year while we searched for the perfect home. They thought, that in doing so.. it would prevent us from making the very costly mistake of buying a place, and regretting it, but being stuck there due to the slumping economy and equally sluggish housing market. Mom and Dave revolted at the idea, and complained about wasting the money on a year's worth of rent when it could be going into a place of our own. Karen countered that a year's worth of rent would seem cheap compared to the money lost trying to sell a home that we decided we didn't like anymore after a year's time. Mom and Dave, and company countered with the argument of the expenses and effort needed to move twice in a year. Karen countered with saying we could rent for two years instead then. Dave countered with two years of our life being wasted.. in furthur continuing to not own a home. In the end, Dave's trust = Dave's opinion wins, and we found ourselves needing a house, and soon.

So, he last week I settled comfortably into my role of immobility, and stubbornly refused to make that first step. I was worried about single-handily making mistakes that would cost us more than we had to spare. I was worried about drastic change, and shying away from that next transition. So much has upheaval has happened lately, that I just wanted to preserve predictable for as long as I could cling to it. I learned a little something this week though. Time.. is up.

With about eighteen gentle nudges this week from my Aunt Cj... I decided to open my eyes wide open and move my feet in a forward direction. Dave and I made our house wish list of things we need, and things we want, and things we love, but can live without. I started window(s) shopping on-line, and getting a feel for what's out there, and what the prices are looking like these days. I went to a site of a financial adviser that some of you may of heard of, Dave Ramsey, and looked for a morally sound, endorsed and approved, real estate agent in our area. Becky called us this afternoon, and the ball is definitely moving full speed ahead now. She's emailing us a primary list of homes we might be interested in tomorrow, and from there, we'll meet, and start looking at them one by one, until we find the right one for us.

As with most things in our life.. nothing is ever traditional, or typical. The trust committee didn't feel comfortable suggesting a budget for us to look in, so I feel like we'll be hunting in the dark. We have to find something we want, and submit it for approval, (or the alternative.. denial). I fear finding something we love, just to be given a big, fat no in return. This is one of those facets of our lives now that makes things just a bit more challenging than an already challenging situation is to begin with. It should be.. interesting, to say the least. Either way, it looks like Dave and I are moving into the next transition of our lives now. Ready or not.. here we go.

I'll be sure to keep you posted. =)

Until Next Time.. Much Love, Many Hugs, and Good Night to You All.